Boink by Christopher Anderson & Alecia Oleyourryk & Vanessa White

Author:Christopher Anderson & Alecia Oleyourryk & Vanessa White [ANDERSON, CHRISTOPHER]
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
Tags: PHO023030
ISBN: 9780446511513
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
Published: 2008-02-10T16:00:00+00:00

* * *

I fell for him; I fell hard. I assure you that it was beyond my control. He is a twenty-three-year-old brooding sarcastic musician; I never really stood a chance. One night, I asked him what we were doing, to which he replied: “I am not looking for a relationship right now. I was burned bad by my ex-girlfriend.” I probably should have been more cautious after having seen pictures of his ex-girlfriend filtering through his screen-saver on his laptop. I also probably should have asked him what he was looking for before I had sex with him. I casually said that I was cool with the situation. Using this opportunity to his advantage, Jason then informed me that he intended on starting the patch in order to kick his addiction to cigarettes. I thought, “great, he cares about his health.” But then he unleashed the world’s greatest “breakup” line, even better than “it’s not you, it’s me.” He explained that his severe addiction to cigarettes would cause him to experience intense physical withdrawal, rendering him unable to see me or call me for the next few weeks. I stared at him quizzically for a few moments trying to comprehend what had just taken place. I’m not sure which is worse: that I tried to understand and sympathize with his alleged plight, or that I ever thought he was worth my time. As I was leaving the next morning he muttered from underneath the covers, “Have a nice day.” That fucker. Knowing then that I would never see him again, even if I couldn’t admit it at that moment, I replied, “Oh, I will.” then left.

No problem, though, because I am the modern woman, able to fuck around for the sake of fucking, right? As a perennial optimist, I choose to see the good in this situation: I learned a lot about sex and my own body. I found myself in positions I thought I was too shy to try. I learned where to place my legs, how to read body language and find a rhythm between two otherwise colliding forms. As fun as the sex was, I must clarify that to this day no man has ever given me an orgasm; I have had to continually rely on myself because I am just that awesome—or, in my fantasies, Angelina Jolie is just that awesome.

Since I just lied about being optimistic in an attempt to be sarcastic, and I am, in fact, very cynical, I must recognize the bad in this situation: I allowed Jason to make me feel cheap and insignificant, to reduce my feeling of self-worth.

There were a number of other unfortunate experiences preceding my month-long delusion with Jason. There was Aaron, who basically forced his cock down my throat at a party, then came on my chest. At the time, I thought it was the greatest thing as I stumbled back to my summer apartment and somehow ended up at my friend Megan’s apartment instead. I was relieved to find that she was still drunk too.

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